Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
