U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
