come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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