how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
