Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
