i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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