I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
