I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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