I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
