I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
