I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
