when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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