He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
