im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
