I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
