Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
