i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How does one acquire holy water?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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