apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
