ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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