Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
