P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
