I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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