I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
