jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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