my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
