Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
