hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
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