I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
