Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
