we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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