I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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