I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
