Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
