my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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