oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
