i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
