i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Enjoy the penises
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
