I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
