go do what you do best...puke behind churches
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
