He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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