The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
