My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
