im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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