i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
