you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
