Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
