I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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