As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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