Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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