i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
