highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
