One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
